On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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