I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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