if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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