i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i drank out of a bidet.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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