Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
