Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
