I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
