So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
