Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
