It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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