If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
