I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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