My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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