Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
