Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
