It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
