note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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