I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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