Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
