Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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