my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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