I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
