You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
