If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
