he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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