I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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