Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
