A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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