You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wish there were birth control emojis
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
