The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
