I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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