We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the condom got lost in my hair
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
