You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like a drive thru vagina
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
