woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
