He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
