I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
