hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
