To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
