you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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