wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
