Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
