I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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