But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
