You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
