Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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