You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize