I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
