Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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