How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
