I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
