Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
