It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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