i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
