Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
PS: I just woke up from my shower
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize