this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
