Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
