How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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