remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
