I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
