So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize