Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
