Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
