one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
